Torture

I wrote this poem a few weeks ago.

 

Torture

Don’t torture yourself
I think to myself
As these feelings of obsession
Squelch me into a depression
I feel I can’t escape.
And now I’m so bent out of shape.
I can’t resist the temptation
To relive the past
Even when it puts me into emotional stagnation.
I feel like I’m being harassed
By my heart and mind.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to find
Reading old texts.
I know they won’t tell me
What’s gonna happen next.
But I still sell me
To the lie that I’ll figure it out.
I’ve done enough to shout
To God asking what is going on,
Trying to understand why I feel so withdrawn.
I know I’m not fine
Waiting to see him online.
I know that pondering the memories
Won’t give me any remedies.
I’ve listened to all our songs,
And all I can think of is everything I did wrong.
I tell myself don’t check his location on snap.
It’s a trap
I keep falling into that engages
My tears,
But never assuages
My fears.
And looking at his Facebook profile
Doesn’t help to make this trial
Any easier,
Only noisier
In my head.
I don’t know how not to fill myself with dread.
I wonder if we didn’t live in a technological age,
Would I be able to cope without a psychological cage
Around my heart,
Locking me apart
From my emotional freedom?
I know I don’t need him
To survive.
But that doesn’t change
How I wish we had thrived
Instead of become estranged.
I pray to God he knows I love him sure
And I finally understand,
And I wish I could rewrite the story
To have a different end.
And though I do still worry
How the future will happen,
I cannot live forever in this torture,
No, not for any man.

© Ryanne Mikunda